Striking back at the black hole

Stress happens. All the time. And it’s not uncommon that just as one stressful situation resolves itself, another develops to take its place. Often there are two, three or even more to be dealt with simultaneously. For previously diagnosed depression sufferers this can make that deep, dark, black hole look increasingly inviting and the urge to crawl back into it too tempting to ignore.

Sometimes I am tempted to sit on the floor and let all the painful emotions surrounding my adoption completely overwhelm me. All the unfinished business, the unresolved issues, the unanswered questions. I have to work extremely hard every day at keeping them at bay, and sometimes it just becomes… exhausting.

That’s when I feel that black hole looming ever larger and larger. And it looks so enticing. It seems so peaceful in there. So quiet. Far away from all the pressure. All the stress. All the stuff. Like a thick, warm, wooly blanket. I can almost feel myself being pulled closer and closer into its looming folds, until eventually my legs are dangling inside and it’s only my fingers clinging tightly onto the edge of the hole that are keeping me from letting go and falling… falling…

That’s when I know I have to waste no time in heading straight for my Safe Place, my “refuge in times of trouble”.

“The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want,” I recite to myself over and over again. “Tho’ I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. I will fear no evil. I will fear no evil.”

And then the one that gives me the strength to claw my way out of the hole: “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Because “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

And as I move farther and farther away from the gaping blackness I begin to feel it. The fear dissipating, and I am left with peace. “My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives, give I unto you…”

And as I breathe Him deeply in, so that once more “in Him I live, and move, and have my being” I hear Him whisper: “Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

And as I slowly exhale I know that I am safe. And I can see the hole for what it really is. A black shroud of despair where there is no light, only endless night.

And as I continue to “renew my mind” I am once again reminded that “without Him I can do nothing.” But with Him “all things are possible” and I no longer have to fear. I can see my adoption for what it really is: a gift from God to my parents, a gift of eternal salvation to me. I am blessed.

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  1. Your words are beautiful, your spirit is resiliant, your soul is so very strong! What a wonderful post, a spectacular reminder that HE would never give us something we cannot handle, but teaches us to live life with love and acceptance of oneself. Your words are not only encouraging, but also very comforting.

    HE has many plans for you, and HE will continue to guide you through it all.

    Thank you for sharing this…

    • Colleen
    • March 3rd, 2010

    I suffer from slight manic and depressive times…more depressive than manic for over a year now. Oh that black hole…It used to be my prison.
    I cannot recall when last I was in that prison though. But I do remember it and it is so scary. Very few people I know have experienced true depression. Yes, of course we all feel down at times, and yes, of course we all feel hyper at times…but no…mania and depression is not feeling low or a little bit hyped. It affects every little aspect of your life and your relationship with people. It makes your life truly miserable. I look back at myself now in those dark years and I feel so very sorry and sad for what I went through in my mind. Long…long ago when I discovered and had to deal with some harsh things I wrote something I was looking for now …but cannot find somehow. Must have been very long ago as I searched all of my 2008 and 2007 documents.
    I believe that once one is apart of the light…there is no darkness again. God is light and I remind myself that I am apart of that light. No matter my past, my present, my failures, my sins…I am part of the light and the Holy Spirit resides in me. Darkness is not a guest in my heart anymore. It wants to be at times, yes. And it wants to stay for a while sometimes, but I have to kick it out and let it go. We now live in the Spirit and battle through every day anyway trying to let go of the ways of the flesh.

    I love how you describe the “breathing in and out” It is a mind renewal technique that works. Focused connection with our God. And yes…most times we need to do it hourly to stay connected with God in our inner being.

    xxx.

    • BB
    • March 2nd, 2010

    What a beautiful way of dealing with one’s black hole. We all have a black hole, and if we can all deal with it that way, then we will all be peaceful happy human beings. Thanks for the encouraging words. I am going to print it and keep it on my fridge to remind me that God is there for me, I just have to reach out to Him.

    Kind regards

  2. Aurette,

    What a great word to have on a Monday morning. Thanks for the great reminder that no matter what, God can give us light in what may seem like a dark situation. This is a great work God is doing through you. Keep it up, I pray the the lives you will touch and the hope you will give to them will be too many to count.

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